By John Sullivan

Nicknames have been a part of football for as long as the forward pass.

There was ‘Mean Joe’ Green, William “The Refrigerator” Perry, ‘Broadway Joe’ Namath, Jake “The Snake” Plummer, No Name Defense, The Fearsome Foursome and the Purple People Eaters.

The Johnnies will be introduced this weekend to another great nickname: G-4. George Edward Foreman IV is coming to Collegeville. His Redland Bulldogs battle the Johnnies this weekend in the opening round of the NCAA tournament.

George “The Grill” Foreman was so infatuated with his name that he named all four of his sons George Edward Foreman. His creativity kicked in with the roman numerals; he increased them by one with each son.

So G-4, or Big Wheels, enters Collegeville as the third string running back. On Saturday, when Mark “The Big Lebowski” Lewendowski, the radio announcer of the Johnnies, refers to George “Big Wheels” Foreman IV as G-4, he should use nicknames for the Johnnie players too.

Alex “AK-47” Kofoed: He has been assaulting defenses since his first game of his college career. He has rifled the ball for 2,424 yards and 27 touchdowns this season.

James “The Shocker” Shockman: He chases down running backs like a lions pounce on a gazelles.

John “JC Slater” Cloeter: It is impossible to cast a better all-around athlete and person than Cloeter. The Johnnies have been saved many times by the heroics of Slater in the secondary.

Brett “King Caesar” Saladin: He tosses around defensive ends like he is a offensive tackle and catches the ball like he is a wide receiver. He is the king at the tight end position.

Nick “Fundo Gundo” Gunderson, or G-98: Off the field Gunderson looks like a punter or kicker. On the field he raises havoc like a grizzly bear.

Nick “Straight Bizzness” Bartholomew: Spot shadow 2-6 on special teams. He is the first person down on special teams, knocking skulls and giving concussions.

Kevin “Primetime” Boegel: Deion Sanders has nothing on K-Man. Boegel is tied for the team lead in interceptions and leads the team in tackles.

Jason “The Primate” Primus: He is constantly cracking jokes and sending defensive lineman to the ground.

Derek Stiffmeister: Don’t ever expect Stifter to fair catch a punt. He is a fearless punt and kick returning for the Johnnies, leading the team in both categories. He is due to take one back this weekend.

Tom “The Cave Man” Connelly: He may look pretty primitive, but his knowledge is omnipotent. He has such a big following he started his own fishing club on campus —“The Tom Connelly Fishing Club.” He has 846 CSB/SJU Facebook friends and that number just became outdated.

Brian “The Spider-man” Weber: See Bethel game. See every game. He has yet to drop a pass that matters.

Mike “Schuminator” Schumacher: He stars in the latest movie “S-4: The Next Bruce Smith.”

Chace “The Playmaker” Pollock: He saved the season with his fourth down catch against Carleton.

Russell Rackers: Neil Rackers was voted one of the sexiest men in the NFL. Gliadon keeps hair gel on the sideline and is the Johnnies’ first real kicker.

Nathan “Muy Caliente” Calderon: He leaves guys and girls breathless and confuses die-hard Kofoed fans for who is the real No. 11.

Honorable Mention
Josh “Rocky Balboa” Rosenbush
Josh “The Thorn” Rose
Jordan “Hansel and Gretel”
Mike “The Punisher” Patnode

This is the opinion of John Sullivan, an SJU senior.

Filed under: Sports by Sean Landman