By Bri Sharkey

In the wake of a stressful finals season and a pleasantly chubby holiday run, this New Year’s Eve is sure to enjoy the same droves of hastily planned resolutions it sees every year. We will all cast our resolutions with the best of intentions, all willy-nilly and haphazard-like, but undoubtedly return to our old ways before Presidents’ Day.

This is not our fault. We are wonderfully flawed people (this is why we make resolutions), and it is no surprise that we fall off the self-improvement bandwagon every February. Our failure to adhere to our lofty goals depresses us, and the result is that we feel worse than we did before we set about trying to fix ourselves. In my opinion, our resolutions simply aren’t realistic enough, and that is the problem.

This year, I move to institute a new set of attainable resolutions we are actually capable of maintaining. Let’s say “no” to taping Angelina to our fridges or attempting to drink less beer. No more dogged pursuit of the elusive 4.0 or getting the recommended number of fruit and vegetable servings every day. These are not rational goals for anyone —and are even more absurd for seniors hell-bent on enjoying their final semester of college.

So, instead, I propose a new list of perfectly attainable New Year’s resolutions, some suggestions to take the intensity out of the festivity. This list will allow you to avoid the last-minute, panicked, 11:59, wholly arbitrary choosing of a resolution you have no intention of following up on. Here, in a neatly compiled list I’m considering my Christmas gift to you, is a list of entirely possible resolutions designed to make you feel good about yourself in 2008:

•Bathe at least once every other day. (This can be your Christmas gift to each other.)

•Get out of bed every day, except in times of extreme illness, bereavement or hangover.

•Celebrate your birthday.

•Share your gum.

•Think about completing some of your homework on time.

•Eat some sort of St. Joe’s pizza to support local businesses and the economy.

•Enjoy your Fridays.

•Accept oxygen as a necessary tool for survival.

•Spend a lot of time on Facebook.

•Take plenty of study breaks.

•Sleep sometimes.

I advise you not to resolve to attempt everything on this list as I don’t want you to be overwhelmed. Remember, this is a feel-good resolution list, and it’s important that you embrace it for its low expectations. Don’t do too much, don’t choose too soon, and don’t try any of it before Jan. 1. Enjoy your last few weeks of non-resolution freedom.

Happy Christmas.

Filed under: Opinion by Justin Roth