Dear Chafed Cheeks,

Are you kidding? It’s taken me months to herd and cajole the pathetic group of hair on my upper lip that I laughingly refer to as a mustache. And you want all that hard work to go to waste? Feh, I say to you, feh.

All kidding aside, there are several reasons he may be going for the rugged mountain man look. For example, he could be looking at a career as a rugged mountain man. (Another warning sign is flannel shirts.) He, like so many others, could be expressing his individuality by attempting to grow a beard. Personally, I prefer my individuality in the form of snarky T-shirts, but hey, whatever floats your boat.

Alarm clocks are easy to ignore and mornings often rushed. He may be facing tough decisions such as whether to shave or shower. Multi-tasking at this juncture can be risky, especially if one’s shaver happens to be electric.

Perhaps his face gets cold waiting for the Link. Growing a beard is certainly cheaper than a scarf and a heck of a lot easier to arrange for that critical face warmth. As for the scratchiness, most beard-care Web sites recommend shampooing and conditioning facial hair. It’s possible Grizzly
Adams has not been informed of this maintenance step.

Anyway, on those long nights nursing a freshly scraped face, you can comfort yourself with the knowledge that when summer comes and brings with it those 90 degree days, he’ll shave that sucker faster than a sheep-shearer on crack.

Sincerely,

Candidate 1

Dear Chafed Cheeks,

Go talk to your boyfriend. Explain how you love him/like him/recognize him, but the hair has got to go.

He’s proud of his ability to produce facial hair, so be gentle. Compliment him on his other manly features, whether it’s his athletic prowess or his ability to five-star Freebird on Guitar Hero.

However, be firm with your request. Tell him what you want shaved and by when. If he’s hesitant, and he will be, give him a day to think it over.

It’s tough for a guy to admit fault. That 24 hour period will be ample time for him to think of a reason why it benefits him to shave his beard. If he can’t, carefully
explain to him that, while it’s his face, they’re your legs, and you both can grow as much hair as you please on them. That should be the end of that.

Sincerely,

Candidate 2

Dear Chafed Cheeks,

First off, this is a Catholic institution. While attending this school you should not be giving in to urges of “necking.” It should be uncomfortable until you are in a binding marriage, where feelings like that belong.

Secondly, a beard can keep your face warm in the whipping cold winds; I think this dislike of your boyfriend’s beard has more to do with your jealousy of warm facial hair than the facial hair itself. Don’t hate the facial hair just because it keeps your boyfriend’s face warm but not yours.

Thirdly, facial hair is sexy. I will not accept any arguments otherwise. What honestly looks better than five inches of curly, thick proof of burly masculinity? You should feel lucky that you are dating a man capable of growing facial hair. I know several men who feel ashamed of their lack of facial hair. Your real question should be: Why don’t more men grow facial hair? And I’ll tell you the answer right now. If a man doesn’t have facial hair it is either because he can’t grow it or because society has misled him to think facial hair is wrong when in fact it is oh so right.

My final point is this: It is his right as an American to have that beard. Whether he wants to prove his manliness, keep warm, scare small children or he just plain doesn’t like to shave, it is his right to sport that beard. In your complaining, are you trying to take away his rights? Are you against freedom? I should hope not.

I hope you can overcome your dislike of his beard, as you should.

Sincerely,

Candidate 3