- The Record Archives
- Volume CXVIII, No. XX - November 10, 2005 - variety
Dear Tony
Take "would you rather" questions into serious consideration
Staff writer
Thanksgiving break is rapidly approaching. That means tests, papers, presentations — all types of problems. That's music to our ears. E-mail Dear Tony with your problems at ajcapecchi@csbsju.edu.
Dear Tony,
I am horribly love-sick. This guy I know is so unbelievably attractive — I get lost in his big brown eyes. The only problem is that he doesn't know I exist.
He has a girlfriend and is a senior, while I am simply a lowly first-year. How can I get him to notice me without me looking like a fool? You have to help me, Tony. You're my only hope. I may die of unrequited love.
— Stuck On You
Dear Stuck On You,
Thanks for the flattering question. I don't agree with you being "simply a lowly first-year" at all though – we're all Bennies and Johnnies here, and I respect anyone with the guts to write that e-mail.
You are certainly right-on in one regard though: I do in fact have a girlfriend. She's an all-star, she's Italian, and she's coming back from being abroad this semester very soon.
So she might beat you up when she gets back, or else simply have one of her mafia connections take care of you.
However, my three cutest roommates are currently single. You should introduce yourself the next time you see me and I'll invite you to join us for dinner at the Reef.
Dear Tony,
Would you rather swim in a pool full of baked beans or salsa?
— Intrigued Mind
Dear Intrigued Mind,
This certainly is an intriguing question. Adding to the intrigue is the fact that this question was written on a napkin and presented to me at Taco Tuesday by a large group of seniors. Isn't it fascinating — the things we come to ponder over the years?
I can't really answer this question without clarifying one important factor: What type of salsa are we talking about? If it's the dense, chunky type with extra onions and bits of green pepper, there's no way I'm swimming through it. If it's just kind of a mild, smoother salsa, I might give it a little more consideration.
Either way, my gut instinct here is to go with the baked beans, because I'm afraid the salsa might sting my eyes. Also, baked beans are an excellent source of protein. This way if I got tired during the swim, I could eat some of the baked beans and the protein would give me strength, whereas salsa contains empty calories.
Besides, I've always been more of a nacho cheese-guy than a salsa-guy, so that preference only reinforces my desire to swim in a pool of baked beans — if given the limited choice between beans and salsa, of course. What I'd really prefer is to swim in a pool full of giant Cheerios. That way I could use the Cheerios as a life preserver; plus I'd feel like I was in "Honey, I Shrunk the Kids."
Anyway, I want to thank this group of seniors for their thoughtful question. Each and every "would you rather" question demands a certain amount of respect.
Pondering over such a theoretical situation got me thinking, so I'll leave you with this thought: Imagine if there were no hypothetical situations.