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DEXTERA DOMINI
The Declaration
on the Pastoral Care
of Left-Handed Persons
THE RIGHT HAND of the Lord
has adorned his spotless bride, the Church, with
many wondrous gifts, not the least of which is the supreme ministry of
defending the arsenal of Christian truth. Through the wisdom of a
provident God, this congregation, the watchdog of the household of faith,
exercises diligent custody over the sacred deposit of doctrine, guarding
it like a talent buried in the sand (Matt. 25:25). To this richly
satisfying task it brings the feral instincts of a lioness protecting
her cubs and the dispassionate zeal of a raptor pursuing its prey,
so that the pearl of great price may be safely gathered up with the
wheat and deposited in the nets of Peter's bark (Matt. 13:46; 13:30;
John 21:6). Wherefore it seeks to infiltrate the entire Catholic world,
like leaven mixed into a lump of dough (Matt. 13:33), and so,
like yeast, to ferment the pilgrim Church with its viscid and fungal
spores so that the entire mass may swell into a frothy, pulsating,
gelatinous ooze of faith. Thus, like a prudent householder, it may
bring forth from its storeroom both the true and the old (Matt. 13:52).
Having already disposed of other perversions, it becomes necessary
to speak out with the profound disgust regarding yet another aberration
which, like the pulling of a polyester fiber, threatens to unravel the
seamless garment of faith.
This particular menace has been propagated by those who, basing their
opinions on spurious sophisms of the psychological and behavioral
pseudo-sciences, claim that it is acceptable, or even normal, to use the
left hand when engaging in manual activities. In the face of tradition
and right reason, they point to a small but vocal minority of
individuals who primarily use their left hands or purport to be bimanual.
With callous disregard for the natural order they judge indulgently,
and even excuse completely, sinistral behavior, that is, the
indiscriminate use of the left hand in the place of the right. Such an
insidious abuse is defended as though there were no difference between
right or left, Jew or Greek, male or female, slave or free (Gal. 3:28).
For while it is neither possible nor desirable at present to decide
whether this disorder is genetic in origin or merely the result of
repeated nasty thoughts, in either case one may never argue that
left-handedness is compulsive and therefore excusable. It is, of
course, necessary to take note of the distinction between the
sinistral condition and the individual left-handed actions, which are
intrinsically disordered and utterly wrong.
And although the particular inclination of the left-handed person is not
necessarily a sin, it is a more or less strong tendency ordered toward an
intrinsic moral evil, and thus the inclination itself must be seen as an
objective disorder. Therefore, both the condition and all acts flowing
from it are to be condemned, as are all those who suffer from it or
engage in it, and everyone who thinks like them or defends
them or befriends them, into everlasting torments in the lowest
pit of hell where the lake of fire is never quenched and the worm
dies not (Mark 9:48).
I. General Principles
INDEED, CATHOLIC TRADITION has constantly taught that only the right hand
may properly engage in manual activities. The left hand must remain
curbed and passive or, at most, ancillary and subservient to the right
hand, analogous to the function of a pallet in respect to an artist,
or the operation of a dustpan to a broom, or the role of a wife in
relation to her husband. Hence, the use of the left hand, either
principally or indiscriminately along with the right, has always been
held to be an abuse, a sin against nature, and intrinsically
disordered as an unnatural vice.
Right reason itself argues for this arrangement. For reason is
properly called right reason inasmuch as it emanates from or tends toward
the right. Hence, in all things reasonable, the right is right and is to
preferred, with the sole exception of the wearing of earrings of men,
wherein, left is right and right is wrong.
The very use of language, even in pagan times, confirms that what
is on the left side in unfavorable and perverse. It is no linguistic
accident, but rather a natural manifestation of the divine will, that
the Latin word for "left" (sinister) has come to connote evil,
malevolence and villainy, while in common speech a left-handed
compliment is no compliment at all.
The aesthetic argument, to be sure further reveals the uselessness of
left-handed activity. For who can gaze upon the handwriting attempted
with the left hand without sensing that it is tilted the wrong way, that
is, as if blown off course by a malign east wind (Exod. 10:13; John 4:8).
In the nearly unanimous estimation of humanity such scrawling is a
cause of wonderment and no little aesthetic scandal.
Moreover, the Scriptures themselves amply attest to the preeminence
of the right hand and the depravity of the left. Thus the right hand
confers blessing and signifies strength, while the left hand is
treacherous and deadly (Gen. 48:13-20; Exod. 15:6; Eze. 21:22;
Rev. 1:16-17; Judg. 3:15, 20:16; 2 Sam. 20:9-10). A place at one's
right hand is the seat of honor and dignity (1 Kings 2:19;
Ps. 45:9, 110:1). Sagely does Qoheleth teach that "a wise
man's heart inclines him toward the right, but a fool's heart toward
the left" (Eccles. 10:2). In like manner, both the passivity and the
inferiority of the left hand are apparent in the solemn injunction
forbidding us to let our left hands know what our right hands are doing
(Luke 22:50). And it is by no accident that the elect are to stand like
innocent sheep at the right hand of the Eternal Judge, while the
reprobates cower and whimper like noisome and tick-infested goats on
His left, awaiting their dizzying descent into sulfurous fumes and
unfathomable miseries in the mind-bending agonies of eternal
damnation (Matt 25:31-46).
In a similar vein, the Fathers of the Church eloquently denounce
sinistral behaviour in many and varied texts. Thus, Origen writes that
"the perverse, because of their sinister deeds, tend toward the left,"
while Augustine unambiguously teaches that "the Lord strongly forbids
the left hand alone to work in us" (Origen, In Matth. 23,70; Augustine,
Serm in Mont. ii,2,9). A multitude of other Fathers and Doctors would
have written in like manner had the thought occurred to them.
But by far the strongest and most persuasive argument for the Church's
position is drawn from the so-called "teleological proof," wherein it is
demonstrated that the purpose of having hands is twofold. The lesser and
secondary use of hands is to handle things, or, within limits, people. The
greater, or primary, end is to reflect the divine activity itself. Thus
manual endeavor is said to be "procreative" in that it mirrors the creative
work of God. And God, as is obvious, uses only His right hand, as
Scripture clearly teaches (Exod. 16:6-12; Deut. 33:2; Ps 17:7, 18:34,
74:11, 110:1, 139:10; Is. 48:13, 62:8, Lam. 2:3; et al.) In fact, this
congregation, privy as it is to the intimacies of the Godhead, is presently
studying this very matter and intends to issue a definitive determination
regarding the exact number of fingers on the Deity's right hand and how
they are adorned.
Therefore, it is obvious that left-handed activity, or
sinistrality, lacks an essential and indispensable finality. Such a
deficiency marks each and every sinistral act, rendering it defective and
incomplete. In short, sinistral behavior, like contraceptive sex and
theological dissent, is about as useful as mammary glands on a male bovine
[Tr. note: the typica is somewhat more graphic].
Let it not be said, moreover, that left-handed activity is
fundamentally private or harmless to society. In a world where the common
cold is spread principally by manual contact, such arguments are patently
groundless and futile. Manual activity is always social in nature, that
is, oriented toward and affecting the lives of others. In view of this,
the following practical applications are presented for the religious
submission of the minds and hearts of the faithful.
II. Pastoral Norms
SINISTRALS, THAT IS left-handed people, should always be made to feel the
depth of compassion that the Church wishes to extend to all contemptible
deviates.
It is deplorable that sinistral persons have been the object of
malice, prejudice and bigotry in the past; the dignity of each person must
always be respected in word, in action and in law.
Having amply touched upon this point, however, it is necessary to
add that at times good Christians can and ought to regard such persons with
aversion and abhorrence as cheap, vulgar, degenerate, perverse, errant,
depraved, vile, warped and base, and totally undeserving of opportunities
belonging to right-handed people. Some, of course, may erroneously object
that the Church's position could tend to encourage feelings of animosity
and intolerance against such maggots. Special care must thus be taken
to point out the finely nuanced distinctions operative in this situation.
It is, for example, quite possible to love people while simultaneously
hating everything about them, including the fact of their existence,
just as it is possible to uphold and defend the dignity of an ant while
in the very act of crushing it underfoot. History is replete with many
sterling examples of this Christian principle in action (See, for example,
the decrees of Gregory IX and Sixtus IV establishing, respectively,
the Roman and Spanish Inquisitions.)
On a practical level, the faithful may legitimately deem it
necessary, and even laudable, to discriminate against sinistrals in the
following areas, among others:
- the adoption of children and the employment of teachers and
coaches, lest, by work and example, the impressionable young be exposed
to shockingly offensive manual options;
- housing, since it would offend Christian piety that innocent
people, who rightfully protect their homes against vermin and pests,
should have to live next door to such human debris;
- the military, for in conformity with the intention of our warrior
God, who trains for battle (Exod. 15:3; Ps. 18:34) morally correct guns
and weapons of war are fittingly designed only for the right-handed
lifestyle;
- the workplace, given sinistrals' well-known tendencies to
proselytize, overtly or covertly, and to warp the unwary into a
left-handed lifestyle;
- life in general, since the sufferance of sinistral behavior,
like a contagious disease, is both a menace to the right ordering of
the cosmos and a deterrent to universally accepted natural activities
like handshakes and manual transmission driving.
WHEREFORE, BISHOPS ARE to be especially concerned to defend and champion
authentic morality, not only in family life and in the prompt transmittance
of the Peter's Pence, but also in the regulation of manual activity. While
promoting the joy of virtue for its own sake, let them not disdain other
effective means to coerce proper manual behaviors among the faithful.
Such might well include the occasional homiletic reflections upon an
afterlife in company with grotesque fiends, as well as richly detailed
accounts of unimaginable torment, excruciating heat and unrelenting pain
and putrefaction amid rock-rending shrieks of anguished despair in the
bottomless chasm of Gehenna. Above all, they are to remind sinistrals that
manual activity may be undertaken only by right-handed people within the
context of a lifelong commitment to right-handedness.
Therefore, let sinistral and bimanual individuals be instructed to
disguise their sinistrality by keeping it repressed, although under
no circumstances are they to keep their left hands in their pockets. For
a vice that is truly repressed is no vice at all. To this end, hypnosis
and mind-altering pharmaceuticals may be licitly administered so as to
render their left hands useless.
If such individuals are indeed incapable of being cured of this
disorder so as to properly use the left hand only in a secondary role, if
at all, they must refrain from all manual activity with either hand. For
God, who is bountiful to his loved ones in sleep, has blessed inactivity
for the sake of the kingdom (Ps. 127:2; Matt. 19:12).
Additionally, insofar as these sinistrals still lack the capacity
for, or obdurately resist a lifelong commitment to right-handedness, they
are to take more urgent measures to be cured. In this connection, it is
altogether licit and harmonious with the principle of double effect to
resort to the therapeutic use of amputation in accord with Scripture: "If
your [left] hand causes you to sin, cut it off, for it is better to enter
the kingdom maimed" (Matt. 18:9), etc.
Finally, all sinistrals, to whom bishops and pastors of souls offer
the solace of holy religion, should be assured that despite their best
efforts they will probably go to hell anyway for thinking left-handed
thoughts. Let them thus be encouraged to know that, after a life in which
they have basically considered themselves worthless, they will at last
find themselves entirely worthy of something; to wit, eternal damnation
in the slime-infested miseries of the abyss, where horribly disfigured
imps and little red demons with pitchforks and tridents will perform
unremitting acupuncture upon their most sensitive bodily parts as
they roast in the searing embers of hell. About which, most assuredly,
this Congregation will happily have more to say in the future.
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Dextera Domini / Anonymous author, circa November 1994 / Typeset flush right by Richard Oliver / Formatted in HTML by Elizabeth T. Knuth, 30 March 1996 / Rev. 12 December 1998 / © Copyright 1996-1998, Elizabeth T. Knuth / URL: http://www.users.csbsju.edu/~eknuth/rehu/dex-text.html